Wednesday, October 15, 2003

"Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me"
~Kasey Chambers, 'Not Pretty Enough'

And of course the never ending drama of my life goes on. I will confess, however, that everything looks better when seen through the lense of a Long Island Iced Tea at this point. At least it took the edge off.

"I live
I breathe
I let it rain on me
I sleep
I wake
I try hard not to break
I crave
I love
I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can"

I was talking to Heather the other day about how we both need alot less drama in our lives right now. Not like that's really likely to happen anytime soon, but it's a really nice thought. Honestly, I'd really just like to walk away from the drama right now. Pack my shit and head off to some sunny island in the Pacific. Sit on the beach and just chill. Maybe I could learn how to mix drinks to make money...I think it might be interesting to tend bar in the tropics for a while. I could live in bikinis and shorts. Always have a hat on my head and a drink in my hand. Surrounded by beautiful, mostly naked women. *sigh* That's what I'm talking about.

That just sounds so inviting. *sigh* I guess anything sounds inviting right now. In all honesty, my current thought process is a cross between "anywhere but here" and "anywhere but there". I'm stuck in the worst kind of limbo right now.

"There is no right choice to make," said a friend of mine today. He's absolutely right. In my situation right now, there is no "right" or "correct" choice. No matter what I do, I can't make anyone happy about it. There's only wrong choices and more wrong choices. And I hate that. I really do. At this point, I don't even care that everyone be happy about it, I just want them to be not-unhappy about it. Though some days I don't even know why I even care that they be not-unhappy, since no one seems to care about whether I'm happy or not.

It all just makes me tired.

"It's ok, you can go now."

Monday, October 13, 2003

I need to spiff up this blog, I think. I feel like I might write more if I had more of a connection to the blog...if I really liked the way it looked. Dunno how I'd manage to get good blog coding and some image hosting though. I shall have to think about it more.
I've got the song 'The Way You Look Tonight' in my head. It won't go away.

I guess that's not an altogether bad thing. There are worse songs to have stuck in your head.

It's only Monday and I'm tired for no good reason. When does that daylight savings time thing happen again? I always get confused about that. I guess that's what happens when you're from someplace like Indiana. I keep thinking that somebody will tell me when it's time to change my clock...but then for some reason it seems to me that I should have already changed it. Ah well, I I said, that's what happens when you spend your formative years in a state that doesn't believe in daylight savings time.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

I've been thinking lately. What do you do when you've changed, but no one else knows or seems to want to know?

My mom called tonight with all kinds of info about people from my high school that she ran into today. All of them "asked about me" right away and want to "get together and catch up" or want me to "come visit". Mom seems to think this is just oh so wonderful and that I definately should start being friends with these folks again. And I'm not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, yeah, nice to see all those people from back then. On the other hand...I'm not the same person I was then, I'm not even similar in alot of ways. Now I can see what you're thinking..."Everybody changes, they changed too, I'm sure." But the problem is that they probably haven't changed enough to deal with who I really am now. The teachers at my old high school haven't, I'm almost certain. And based upon the fact that most of the people my mom talked to are now teaching at Christian schools (after graduating from bastions of conservative Christian education, like BJU) in the same vein as the one we went to, I'm guessing they haven't changed that much either.

I personally have no burning desire to see these people at this point in my life, I really don't. I do miss my old best friend, and I've gotta get back into contact with her (haven't spoken to her since this summer), but these other people...I really feel no strong connection to them. I didn't like them that much when I was there, and they didn't like me that much. I was always the odd duck with the "out there" opinions. And I'm certainly no different now, in fact I'm even further away from what they would consider "good". I have sex, I'm an advocate for sex education, I occasionally indulge in an alcoholic beverage, I dress slutty sometimes, I use language that they certainly wouldn't approve of, I'm pro choice, I'm not "religious" in the same way that I used to be, I hold any number of "scandalous" and "sinful" opinions, I look at porn and *gasp* even masturbate sometimes, I own sex toys, I do yoga (and love it), and I'm trying to find some balance in my life. Putting me in situations where I have to lie about who I am and what I stand for just don't help me achieve that balance (which, I know, includes any situation including my parents, since they have no idea what I do these days...but that's really another whole issue). I don't like lying, it just sets me up to look like a hypocrit, which is something I despise.

*sigh* I shall just have to think on this for a while.