Friday, August 30, 2002

All right, so I'm selling out...

The Friday Five

1. What's your favorite piece of clothing that you currently own?

My latest pair of tight jeans from the clearence rack at B. Moss. A fabulous find for only $12! They're suprisingly comfortable for being that tight, and damn, do they make my butt look good!

2. What piece of clothing do you most want to aquire?

Anything Vera Wang. She makes some of the most beautiful gowns I've ever seen.

3. What piece of clothing can you not bring yourself to get rid of? Why?

I absolutely cannot get rid of my old basketball t-shirts. Of course I can't wear them anymore...I've got breasts now! They're all like a size 6x or something, but I have one for every team I played for before I was in high school. I think I've got my old soccer shirts someplace too. I just can't part with that small bit of my past.

4. What piece of clothing do you look best in?

Overall, I'd probably say my banquet dress from my junior year. Fabulous pale blue dress. It's a very classic look, and I think it makes me look very classy.

5. What has been your biggest fashion accident?

Without a doubt, that flowered cotton outfit I wore in junior high. It was an ankle length skirt and matching button down sweater-thingy that was white with what looked like lithographs of flowers. It was the most awful thing, but I thought it was really cool at the time for some reason.

I like to look in the mirror.

Now lest you chide me for my vanity...let me explain.

I don't think I'm particularly attractive. I believe I'm passable, most of the time. Basically alright at least, but certainly nothing special. Probably a little less attractive than average on the Brittney Spears scale.

However, I do enjoy watching the way my body moves. I think I'll be forever fascinated by that. I rather enjoy watching myself walk. If there's a mirror, or a mirrored window or door nearby, I'm almost guarenteed to be watching it as I walk by. There's something very interesting to me about the way I move. I think perhaps this fascination has two causes. First, all those biomedical thermodynamics classes have given me a great appreciation of what has to happen for each tiny adjustment in posture to occur. How many bones and muscles and nerves must be triggered to bring about motion and the way all those tiny adjustments and movements combine to form just a beautiful fluid motion always amazes me. And secondly, I tend to look at myself as a photographer would. I sometimes have a tendancy to look at things that way, which makes it terribly unfortunate that I never really persued photography further. Whether I'm actually looking in the mirror or not, I generally picture my posture in my mind and have a tendancy to pose with the cleanest lines and the most correct angles. I'm not entirely sure why, but I can do it.

Hence I'm confessing my own vanity, I suppose. Sometimes I just like to stand in front of the mirror and talk. Or dance. Or simply stand there making various adjustments to my posture to see what differences will be visible. I like to watch, what can I really say?
How bizarre is that...I just got whistled at, twice. That never happens to me. Once when I was walking into the building where the Financial Aid office is, and then again on my way out. It was rather strange. This very scrawny looking guy waited until my back was to him, and then whistled at me both times. I mean, I know my butt looks good in these jeans (tight, stretchy ones with the rhinestones down the sides), but still...

Thursday, August 29, 2002

Dammit, dammit, dammit! Well I've now accomplished my supreme act of stupidity for the day. My class was supposed to start at 1:10pm, not 2:10pm. Apparently my brain just wasn't working right. Nothing like entirely missing the first day of class, is there?


Tuesday, August 27, 2002

You know, it's amazing how fast I can freak myself out. Today's nearly nervous breakdown is brought to you by the letters G-R-A-D S-C-H-O-O-L. I was checking over my schedule for the last time before class starts tomorrow (registration ended today at 4pm), and it got me started thinking about how much more of my undergrad I have to do. I actually only have something like 43 more hours that I need to graduate. Looking at the admissions criteria at the school I'll probably do my grad work at, I need at least a 2.75 and if I wanted to go here, I'd need at least a B average. I'm more than a little bit scared in alot of ways. I'm sitting on a 2.44 (embarassing, yeah I know). Can I manage to pull it up as much as I need? I mean, really I once again am in a position of really needing A's in everything. Now on the positive side, for the first semester ever, I don't have ANY math classes. That right there is a big plus and should be helpful. Goodness knows I'm scared though.
Kasey Chambers - Not Pretty Enough

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I live
I breathe
I let it rain on me
I sleep
I wake
I try hard not to break
I crave
I love
I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I laugh
I feel
I make believe it's real
I fall
I freeze
I pray down on my knees
I hope
I stand
I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

That was my download of the day. I saw the video on CMT and just had to have the song. There are definately days where I feel like that. Not really today, but still there are those days. :)

Monday, August 26, 2002

Um, yeah ok how bizarre is this...

I just talked to my RA and she's all "Yeah, the rule has always been that you aren't allowed to have people sleep over in your room." My thought = Bullshit. Frankly, that's just too damn bad. I am not putting my boyfriend, who I hardly ever get to see or spend time with, up with somebody else when he's here to see me during break. Not happening. That's just all there is too it. I'm perfectly willing to keep things quiet, and to keep him out of our bathroom...that's fine. But I see no reason why I can't have another consenting adult sleep in my room as long as I'm willing to be responsible for his behavior.

I am so full right now. The SunFire Chicken and Shrimp at Chili's was rather heavily spiced tonight. Woo. Ooo, my tummy is burning just a bit.

Ah well, at least I got to eat, right? And I've got leftovers. That's always nice.

Sunday, August 25, 2002

Wanna read my melodramatic poetry from last night?
Probably not, but that's just too damn bad. I feel like posting it here, so if you don't wanna read it...then don't.

I'm neither here
Nor there
Not anywhere.
I'm living between the lines again.
It's lonely in limbo.
Just me, myself, and I
And it's all mine.

The space
The emptiness
The loneliness
Mine and mine alone.

The queen of all I survey
The goddess, fallen.

I'm sorry for myself
I'm sorry for you.
For all the things I know I'm going to do
And say.
All wrong.

What's right is wrong, what's wrong is wrong.
Up or down and no place in between

That's where you'll find me.
I don't have the answers.
I don't have any answers.

There are places in my head that frighten me
Places you can't see.
Go or stay
Fight or flee
Cry or smile
It's all the same.
Don't you see?

Squares and circles have become the same.
That's how the days go by.
Days, months, years, miles
All the same.
Here and there and back again
Nowhere at all in fact.

And nothing is mine
Nothing at all.
Except the loneliness
And the emptiness
And the dreams
And the silence.

How's that for a melodramatic teen-ish drama for ya? Well, ya know that just when you think the drama has ended, I really like to keep everybody on their toes. Can't ever have too much melodrama.

No, really. Things don't seem so bad today. I mean, I still feel a little bit weird, but I think maybe I can at least mostly normal tonight. I hope. :)

Well I woke up feeling like a complete and utter asshole this morning. Of course it's so much more fun to see what a bitch I can be to my boy when he hasn't done anything wrong at all. Sounds like fun, eh? Oh, let me tell ya how much fun it is. Miserable yesterday, and I woke up feeling like shit today. I suppose I'm alright now, it's not quite so fresh today. Seems to hurt a bit less. Holley's back at least, so maybe a little distraction will help out.

Saturday, August 24, 2002

Ya know, when I'm thinking about things, I tend to listen to the same song over and over. I don't know why. Maybe I'm looking for an answer somewhere inside the lyrics and notes. Maybe I just want a consistent rhythm so that I can work through the chaos inside me. For some reason that chaos has been at a rather high point today.

Today's song:
Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you'd let me know
What's real and going on below
Remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
Its not a cry you can hear at night
Its not somebody who's seen the light
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

And as if that wasn't bad enough, I've been writing melodramatic poetry. Pitiful, eh? Just looking for some clarity and comfort I suppose.

I just told my family to call me tomorrow instead of later tonight because my boyfriend will probably be calling me sometime around the next hour or so. Isn't that awful? I always feel bad when I tell them that he's calling. I mean it always feels like I'm saying one is more important than the other...which is true in one way and not exactly the same in another. I always worry that something is going to happen to my family when I tell them that I'll talk to them later or whatever...but then if I tell my boy that I'll have to talk to him later then I worry that something might happen to him. I probably just worry too much in general. I'm not sure which worry is worse. They're both highly annoying worries. *sigh* Nevermind me. It's been one of those days.
Do you ever drive yourself crazy?

I drive myself crazy sometimes. I think part of my problem is that I simply think too much. I think about things alot. I probably overthink them on a regular basis. I can't help it though. It seems to get worse when I've got alot of time on my hands and nothing to do with it, and when there's nobody else around to distract me occasionally.

I've finally gotten my room arranged to suit me. It looks really cool actually. I'm extremely pleased with how it's turned out. When I moved in, I wasn't entirely sure I was going to be able to work it out to suit me, but it's actually turned out much better than I'd ever expected. There might be one or two more things I change later on, but for now I'm quite pleased with it. I need a couple more storage drawers for clothing, and some posters to cover up a few extra wall spaces. But really overall, all those hours worth of Trading Spaces I watched have paid off.
Well alright, so once again I didn't come through with my promise to update...bad me, I know.

But now things should be better (for real) cause I'm back at school. I've finally got my LAN connection back, which means it doesn't take an hour for my pages to load. Which, consequently, means that I'll be updating more hopefully. I'm not sure I have anything really to say right this second though...but I did want to say I hopefully was back. :)

Thursday, August 01, 2002

Woo hoo! I'm back from vacation. I had a fabulous time, and I'm terribly sad to be home again (I love my family, but I miss my boy terribly right now). I promise I'll update with more details sometime soon. :)