Friday, March 29, 2002

The Friday Five

1. If you could eat dinner with and "get to know" one famous person (living or dead), who would you choose? Elenore Roosevelt.

2. Has the death of a famous person ever had an effect on you? Who was it and how did you feel? I remember crying when Princess Diana died. The situation just seemed so incredibly sad. I grew up seeing her as the perfect fairytale princess. And even though she wasn't really a "princess" anymore, she was still royal.

3. If you could BE a famous person for 24 hours, who would you choose? Tea Leoni...so I could sleep with David Duchovny. :)

4. Do people ever tell you that you look like someone famous? Who? Yes, Jennifer Love Hewitt in that movie where she played Audrey Hepburn.

5. Have you ever met anyone famous? I don't think so...I can't remember meeting anyone really famous...maybe I'll think of someone later...dunno though.
Today was such a beautiful day! Absolutely gorgeous (although it's going to start raining soon now, I think). The sun was out, and it was warm and there was a gentle breeze. Everything even smelled clean and fresh. It finally really felt like spring.

I woke up earlier than I'd intended today, I have no idea why. But I was just completely awake. The entire day has just been nice. I decided to wear my new skirt (yes, that did mean I had to go shave my legs, but I figured it was about time anyway :) ). And can I just say that I looked fabulous today. I can say that without being stuck up, cause I don't usually think I look that good. But today I just looked snazzy and I felt good. It was a decent day to be me.

Thursday, March 28, 2002

Eh, I'm hungry...as usual. Right now I think it's mostly because I couldn't really eat for like two and a half days at the beginning of the week. I have to slowly work my way back up to eating after being sick.

Wednesday, March 27, 2002

Ack! Must get this song out of my head! I strongly dislike Shakira...I have no idea why I'm stuck singing "Underneath Your Clothes" all day long. I don't even like that song! Arrrrggggg!
I actually feel alright today. Still a tiny bit of queesiness hanging around from the other day, but I shall definately survive now.

Had a good long talk with the boy last night. I think we're finally working through our problem, maybe. Most of it still revolves around me accepting what has to be, so I suppose things haven't changed that much. But at the same time I feel better about it today. My panic level has gone down for some reason. I know he still doesn't completely understand why I feel the way I do and why I'm so afraid of being abandoned, but he's trying to be sensitive, and that's good. We're going to work it out one way or another. It'll all be fine somehow.

Monday, March 25, 2002

Ooo, I've been a sick Kitto. *Note to self: Partially frozen Ben&Jerry's does not equal soft serve...it does, however, equal willingly giving yourself food poisoning.* Spent all night last night throwing up over and over again. By morning, I had at least stopped puking, but I hurt everyplace and simply couldn't manage to get out of bed in order to go to class. I did, however, get up to go to work for a while. I really didn't feel like going, but I felt like I needed to go. So I went to work, then came back and took a nap. I feel a bit better now, hopefully I won't get sick again now.

Tuesday, March 19, 2002

Therapy was rather emotional again today. I think my therapist really wants me to cry in session, but I generally don't feel the need to really open up and weep by that point. I mean, I may shed a few tears, but I'm not going to break down and bawl because usually by the time I've gotten to see her, I've taken care of all that crying and I'm done. She keeps telling me that I need to acknowledge my own feelings as being relevent. I guess maybe I don't know how to do that...I dunno...

Monday, March 18, 2002

Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take direction, and my socks are never clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin' right

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else, yeah

LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are."
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me

Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe me somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe me somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Don't let me get me

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

~Pink, "Don't Let Me Get Me"

Gee, look, more lyrics in my blog. Go figure. Anyway, I really like this song alot too. It has a completely different feel than the lyrics I posted yesterday. Yesterday evening I was definately feeling this song. A few things went terribly wrong last night and consequently I spent a portion of the evening crying on Beppie, and then again on Matt (to a much greater extent). It just wasn't the most fabulous evening. And today wasn't the most fabulous day either. I wrote my paper for English this morning and then went back to bed for a bit. After my English class, I went back to bed again because I felt simply exhausted. I got up to go to my calc class, but decided I needed sleep so I skipped that class and felt much better when I finally woke up to go to my last class. After class and work, I decided upon another nap. And thus I'm here now.

In other news, I've decided to write a romance novel.

Sunday, March 17, 2002

Making my way down town
Walking fast
Faces pass
And I'm home bound
Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd

And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you... tonight

It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever think of me
Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in
Your precious memory

Cause I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by,oh
Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you... tonight

And I, I don't wanna let you know
I, I drown in your memory
I,I don't wanna let this go
I, I've fallen...

Making my way down town
Waking fast
Faces pass
And I'm home bound
Staring blankly ahead
Making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd

And I still need you
And I still miss you
And now I wonder
If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time, would pass us by
Cause you kow I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you...

If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass me by
Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you...
If I could just hold you... tonight

~Vanessa Carlton, A Thousand Miles

Friday, March 15, 2002

Have you ever had one of those days where maybe everything isn't as perfect as it could be, and maybe things could go a bit more smoothly...but at the same time you feel like in spite of whatever is good, and whatever is bad, you just have so much love in your heart for someone else that you might explode at any second?

Thursday, March 14, 2002

Alrighty, so I've got a new template now. I'd like something new and original, but honestly I don't know enough HTML, and I don't really have the time to try and learn it right now. So I figured I'd do the best I could. But at least I got the links list updated (by the way, if you feel like you should be on the links list and you're not on there, then drop me an email or leave me a message in the guestbook).
Wow...I haven't had a panic attack like that in a long time. I mean, I don't like crowds, and they freak me out, but still, this is the first time in a while that I've legitimately just nearly panicked because of all the people. I have no idea why either. Holley and L were both there, so it wasn't like I was alone and I wasn't expected to socialize with anyone else at all, so you'd think I would have been ok. And I know I've handled crowds that big on my own before too, so I should have been alright. But something just scared the hell out of me and all of a sudden I'm in the middle of all these strangers and I'm wanting to just start screaming.

*sigh* I think I'm ok now though. I didn't really need to eat anything anyway. I've eaten too much lately, I had a whole bag of gummie worms today (in addition to my muffin for breakfast and my rice/chicken for lunch) and had two cokes. I probably don't need anything else. I just don't like it that I had a panic attack like that. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Wednesday, March 13, 2002

My head hurts. Alot.

Tuesday, March 12, 2002

I know how to make oatmeal...really I do. But damn you, Quaker® Oatmeal Express for not working the way you're supposed to! The directions are so deceptively simple...fill with water to the dashed line, stir, put in microwave for 1 minute, stir and eat. I knew that looked like too much water (if my father taught me anything, it was how much water goes in a packet of oatmeal)...but of course I thought the directions must be right. So now, after approximately 3 minutes of heating (notice that's an entire 2 minutes longer than the directions indicated), my oatmeal is approximately the texture of glue. Very nasty old glue.

I'm not hungry anymore.
You say I only hear what I want to.
You say I talk so all the time so.

And I thought what I felt was simple,
and I thought that I don't belong...

Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
dying since the day they were born.
Well, well, this is not that;
I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown.

And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure.
You try to tell me that I'm clever,
That won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you...

You said that I was naive,
and I thought that I was strong...

~Lisa Loeb, "Stay" (edited because I only wanted these parts) :)



Ah therapy...what can one say, really? Therapy is lovely, it brings to mind things that I hadn't really wanted to think about or worry about sometimes. Yes, today we discussed my issues with Matt wanting to hang out with other people when he goes back to college. I hadn't really thought about it since he and I discussed it a long time ago. But somehow that subject came up in therapy, and I realized that I'm still antsy about it and I still don't know exactly what to do about it. I guess I realized that I'm scared of him being that much further away from me physically and having that much more of a seperate life from mine. It's kinda strange that the closer we get to each other, the more afraid I am. And I can't figure out why I'm so afraid. I'm completely secure with my place as his girlfriend. I know that I'm loved and appreciated and that we are both completely committed to this us that we've created. But at the same time, the idea of him giving my time to someone else simply terrifies me. I guess I'd just been ignoring that entire issue until just today when my therapist felt the need to point out the fact that since he was definately going back to school next year it would be a real life situation fairly soon. We'll be seeing each other less, and he'll be seeing other people more apparently.

Ack, time for yoga...more of my insane rantings later.

Monday, March 11, 2002

Alright, so two other things I just thought of that I wanted to add to my blog...

#1: I dyed my hair red again last week. The color was much better this time. I think I'm getting better at this hair coloring jazz.

#2: I finally changed the wallpaper on my computer. Yes, for the first time since I got this computer in 1999, I have new wallpaper. It's snazzy. :)
Hey, I just wanted to send a big shout out to my new friend Adam. I don't know him, but he left a snazzy note in my guestbook and linked me into his very spiffy blog, so I think everybody should go visit him. So there ya go folks...go visit Adam's blog.

In other news, I just got done having dinner. I would have rather had dinner with my boy, but then of course he's 10 hours away, so that makes a dinner date rather difficult, doesn't it? I ate with Holley and another "friend" of ours, L. L actually drives me nuts on a reletively regular basis. Tonight wasn't that much of a change, although I did get to talk to her boyfriend for a few minutes...he's nice enough, I actually like him better than I like her. Anyway, so we were making small talk about what we did for spring break, and when I mentioned the "snowed in" bit, she asked me what the boyfriend and I did during all that alone time. I said that we sat around and watched TV...because L doesn't have 'privilages', and I'm certainly not going to confess my sex life to someone I don't know that well or like (by the way, Holley hadn't made it back to the table yet, so it was just L and I having this conversation). So L is like, "Oh sure, I'm sure you found something more entertaining than that to do, didn't you?" This made me feel rather "grrr", just because of the fact that she was commenting on it. So I turned to her very seriously and was about to say "Yeah, actually we fucked like happy little bunnies until I passed out from quite a few really amazing orgasms.", but about that time Holley finally got back to the table...and I can't say things like that in front of her. She's a nice girl, and it would make her uncomfortable to know I was having sex...even the discussion of sex makes her antsy. So I just ended the conversation with L. But really, bleh. Nosy people suck. I'm sorry if I'm having better sex than she is...she just needs to get over it, cause I'm not going to tell her about it.
So, I'm back! Did you miss me? How much? :)

Anyway, I'm back from spring break, and I should be at work right now. But I decided that I was just too damn tired to go to work, I've got a million things to do, and my boss is on vacation this week anyway, so nobody will even know the difference if I take two days off this week as opposed to just one.

Ya know, I don't really want to be here today. I wasn't ready for my break to be over, not at all. Actually, right now I'm wishing for a giant universal remote, that or TVio. If I had that remote, I could fast forward through the next two and a half years and get on with the living. And if I had TVio...well, we could have recorded last week and I could pause and playback over and over again. Either one of those options is acceptable, although I think I'd like the fast forward better because then I could be living with him on a more permanent basis and have access to my entire collection of underwear (which is, of course, very important to me).

Its so strange being in love with someone like that, ya know? Everytime we're together, we both become that much more certain that this is THE relationship. And it is fabulous, I love him so much and it hurts so much to be away after having so much time together and being able to be so domestic and just normal together. I long for the day when we can be a normal couple. *sigh* I know things will be just fine, and that it's just another two and a half years or so until we can be together really...but right now that seems like an insane amount of time. The longer we're together the more difficult it is to get back to feeling normal alone.

*sigh* I need a nap now.