Thursday, November 29, 2001

"Search back into your own vision.
Think back to the mind that thinks.
Who is it?"
- Foyan (From todays Daily Zen Meditation)


Heather has gotten me totally into the Daily Zen Meditation. They really are helpful thoughts....

And I was going to write more, but I'm thinking a nap would be more helpful right now...

Wednesday, November 28, 2001

Major accomplishments today so far:

1.) Surfed some porn with Caro. Was highly disappointed, and slightly disturbed at some points.

Where did they find these guys? Seriously. And how and why would one tie a penis into a knot? And what do you do with it after you've got it knotted? Is that even physically possible?

Sheesh. *shudders*
I'm feeling rather list-less today. I dunno why, I shouldn't be feeling this way, but it seems that I am anyway. It's odd, but I feel like I could be totally fulfilled just sitting there staring at the wall all day while contemplating whatever happened to come into my mind. That's not a good sign, I've gotta accomplish things, dammit!

Monday, November 26, 2001

Ah yes, after a long discussion with Caro, and a nap, I feel a million times better! Now perhaps I'll be able to write an entry that makes sense.

I made a cake the other day. Not a real cake where you start with flour and eggs and end up with something beautiful and perfect...the sort where you open a box and add water, egg whites and oil. The entire idea began innocently enough. I knew my boyfriend didn't own enough kitchen utensiles to really make a cake, but I figured that there had to be enough there to make a boxed cake, right? So I ran out to the store and picked up a cake mix, icing, and some oil, a couple of square pans and a tray to put the cake on. I should be able to bake a cake with that stuff and what is already in his apartment, right? Wrong!

The first problem occured as soon as I opened the box, I realized right away that he didn't own a mixing bowl. Alright, no problem, there's gotta be a popcorn bowl around here somewhere that'll work, right? Nope. No large bowl of any sort appeared to exist. So I had to make do with the largest metal pot I could find. But this didn't deter me, I was determined to make this work somehow! I poured the mix into the pot and then opened the cabinet to get a measuring cup for the 1 and 1/3 cup of water I needed. Uh oh, no measuring cup. Hmmm, well a coffee cup has gotta be somewhere close, I'll just estimate. At least he had some normal spoons, so the oil wasn't a problem. Then I opened the fridge and pulled out a couple of eggs. I cracked the first egg only to discover it was frozen inside. Lovely. What am I supposed to do with frozen eggs? So I hunted through and found a couple that weren't frozen and used those. Alright, so I've got everything combined in the pot, and...oh dear...he doesn't have a mixer, or even a wisk! So I made do with a fork and a great deal of elbow grease, and the batter still had lumps in it that just weren't coming out. Well, by that point, there wasn't much I could do other than put it all in the pans and hope for the best. Which is exactly what I did.

35 minutes later I opened the oven to discover that at least they smelled good, and appeared to be done. But I should check that, right? No toothpicks could be found, so I used a fork. It looked ok. So I took the cakes out and let them cool. Only when I turned the pans over later to take the cakes out so I could ice them, I discovered that the bottom wasn't done in the middle...at all! Back into the oven. So by the time I was done, I'd probably cooked those things for over an hour, at least, and bits of the bottoms still weren't done! And of course, by that time the tops were overdone. *sigh*

Well I just gave up and decided to ice the darn things anyway since I couldn't very well let him come home from work, be able to smell a freshly baked cake in the house, and have no cake in evidence! So I iced it, threw on some sprinkles, and figured that it'd be ok one way or another. And ya know, I don't even know how it really tasted. We never got around to trying it, lol. Which is probably a good thing.
Woo hoo! I'm back!

Eh, not that I really want to be back exactly...but not coming back really wasn't an option.

What I really mean is that while I'm happy to be back and typing in my beloved blog again, I'm not so thrilled about being back at school away from my partner again. And yes, I know I'm rambling, but I'm rather tired at the moment still...so leave me alone!

I promise there'll be a better update when I'm more rested!

Thursday, November 15, 2001

*whew*

Well I survived at least. That's gotta count for something. Now I just have to wait like two weeks or so...

Wednesday, November 14, 2001

*deep breath*

I did it. I finally did it. I couldn't handle it anymore, and I called counseling services for an appointment. I honestly have a hard time believing I picked up the phone and admitted that I really do need some help. I've been thinking about it for so long, but that email from dad this morning, coupled with all the other shit that's happened this week just pushed things over the edge. I cried for a while, and talked to Caro about it...and she made me promise I'd call. So I just did what I did the other night when I emailed the girl about joining CHEERS, I picked up the phone and dialed before I had time to start second guessing myself about it. For once, I didn't talk myself out of it, I didn't think about it. I just did it. I'm proud of myself and relieved...and completely terrifed at the same time.

Caro: "welcome to the club, please leave your personality at the door" <=== True statement of the day.

My name is Kitto...I'm getting help...

Monday, November 12, 2001

This makes me ill. It just makes me fucking ill. I'm wrong for characterizing drunks as being in the wrong. Oh, I'm fucking sorry...you wanna get drunk, fine...that's fucking fine with me. And ya know what? I'll be sitting at home praying that you wrap yourself around a fucking phone pole instead of killing somebody else. It just makes me so angry, just makes me want to absolutely scream. Fucking idiots, every last one of them! Yeah, go ahead and brag about how young you were the first time you got drunk. Then tell ME to do a reality check and chastize ME for speaking out against being drunk.

Every last one of them can FUCK OFF. I'm done with those boards. I can't be in a place like that right now, it just makes me too angry.

Sunday, November 11, 2001

Somebody buy me this...please. :)
I have been having the strangest dreams lately. A few days ago, I dreamed that I was at a basketball game with lemming. Only there were two lemmings, and they were trying to tell me a story about some guy. The dream continued and there was some odd interaction with some guy who's in my speech class, and a sexual-tension charged encounter with a guy I used to be 'in love' with quite a while ago. The entire thing was rather odd...

Then last night, Caro showed up in my dream. She had a squirrel named Evan, which she gave to me to squirrel-sit apparently. So I'm sitting under a tree that her squirrel is playing in, and the darn squirrel peed on me!

As I said, I've been having weird dreams.

Thursday, November 08, 2001

Today hasn't been a very good self esteem day for me. Yes, I admit to this. Most days, I am very happy with my body and with myself in general. But today just didn't seem to be one of those days. I got up this morning, and everything was fine. I even decided to wear my new purple sweater that I hadn't worn yet. It looked rather cute, casual and comfy and cute. I went to my first class, which went well since I'd actually read the part he decided we should discuss. And then on to my second class, which is always entertaining. I was on my way back to my room to pick up my stuff for work, and I walked across in front of the cafateria, the same way I do practically everyday. And, as usual, there were alot of student groups set up, selling tickets for things, or giving away stuff. There was this one group of frat guys who were giving flyers to every girl that walked by. And I do mean every girl. So I just kept walking, cause I don't really care about going to whatever party they were handing out stuff for anyway. Anyway, so this one guy sorta steps in front of me and starts to say something, then he kinda looks me up and down and says "oh nevermind..." and walks away.

Now I didn't really care about him, or whatever he was giving out flyers for. But still, it's really hard not to be insulted by that. Ya know, it's just kinda like "Thank you, I really needed one more person to tell me exactly how physically unappealing I apparently am." That's just frustrating, and annoying, and hurtful. I really don't need to be told that.

But Caro is right, I don't need that guy, and I don't care what he thinks. I think I'm beautiful, and I have somebody who loves me...flaws and all.

Tuesday, November 06, 2001

I made an odd statement today. Something that I never really thought I would raise my hand for. In my Womens Studies class, we talked about women and Selective Service for a part of the hour. I can't say I'd never thought of this, because I had, but I had never allowed for a conclusion of the matter for myself. But after a discussion today, when asked, I agreed that if we are going to expect men to register for the draft, and we're going to claim gender equality, then women should also have to register. Now, having said that, it's not a idea that I'm thrilled about, I wouldn't want to have to do that...yet at the same time, if we're going to allow women to serve in the military and allow them the oportunity to fight and die, and call that equality, then we also must make the requirement to possibly fight and die equal for both sexes too. Although I must qualify that statement by saying that I don't necessarily think it would be a good idea to require women to be drafted to the front lines, which I know would be an inequality, but I believe there are good reasons for this.

I think that this sort of policy would have to be carefully monitored and regulated for two basic reasons. First of all, what about the children? How do we provide for their care, both physically and emotionally? Especially very young children, what of their needs? Can we really send both mommy and daddy away to die and leave them completely stranded? I know that after WWII, we had a whole generation of fatherless children, but what about the children who could potentially lose both parents? And secondly, can men handle having women drafted to the front lines? Look at Israel, the causalties actually went up when they started sending women to the front lines because men would flock to injured women. I know that within the military today, they're trying to overcome those sort of sterotypes, but while that may work in units who have trained together for longer periods of time, can it be made to work in units that are trained much more quickly because of the crisis situation? Studies have listed the death of a spouse as being the number one most traumatic occurance that can occur in the life of an adult, how can one partner handle going to war/remaining in war after the other has died? And along with that, partners obviously could not be allowed to serve together, but how can they serve apart, constantly wondering if the other was even still alive?

Basically, I found one idea that was at least tolerable as a solution to this. First, we go ahead and require that women register exactly as men do. In the event of a draft, women who are nursing mothers, or with very young (age 3 or younger) children are automatically exempt. Women who are pregnant, or have young children (3 - 5 years) will only be eligible for stateside duties. In the event of both partners being drafted, if there are children, one spouse would be assigned to stateside duty only. And drafted women would not be sent to frontline combat, instead they would fill other positions such as nurses, secretaries, etc.

I know this doesn't promote complete equality. But after consideration of the issue, this seems to me to be the only acceptable compromise until those issues can be better resolved. My professor is right though, our generation of women has grown up with that same old sense of safety that we wouldn't ever be asked to die for our country without it being our express wish to be allowed to do so...now of course, at the same time, this generation of men has felt that same sort of safety. But times change and things change. I would hate to have to go register for something like that, really I would, because as much as I may consider myself a "feminist", I don't like the idea of being equal if it means I might have to go fight a war. But at the same time, one of my classmates was right, many of us would be much more capable than some of our male counterparts that would be drafted for combat.

Odd issue, brings up many difficult feelings...interesting to consider though...

Monday, November 05, 2001

LOL, I want that puppet shrimp from the Long John Silvers commercial! Way too cute!
I've been bad in my attempts at updates again lately. I apologize for the lack of updates over the end of last week, and this past weekend. Unfortunately, I was hiding. :) I know I shouldn't have been hiding, but really, I just got way too tired and decided that for the most part I couldn't deal with anyone, except for a few people.

But at any rate...I've constructed a new blog. It's a blog of unsent letters. To Whom It May Concern If you'd like to join in on the fun, send me an email. I've also realized I need to update a few things on this blog, so maybe I'll get around to that sometime soon.

Hmmm...this entry was rather low quality too, wasn't it?
Can I say how retarded blogger is tonight?

Sunday, November 04, 2001

The oddest thing just happened. I came back in from doing laundry, and I had that Travis Tritt (who, incidentally, I've decided I really do like) song in my head. And I turn on the TV, which just happened to be tuned to CMT. And guess what was on? The video for Love of a Woman, which was the song I was just singing! Go figure...